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A Thin Slice Of Cake

The battle with anorexia from a food lover.

New Year, New Beginnings…

New Year, New Beginnings and I’m guessing that many people have thought of New Year resolutions for 2017. Maybe to be healthier? Join the gym? Read more? or to learn a new language? Have you got a resolution or goal for this year?

For some reason we believe that a New Year gives us a chance to start a fresh and new resolutions can be a good thing. I mean, it gives us a goal, a challenge, something to go for and make sure that 2017 is better than 2016. What can be wrong with that?

The only New Year resolution I ever made and kept was to lose weight back in 2011. And I did it. I did it to an extreme. I reached my goal and then some more and then some more… Yes that was the year I got an eating disorder. I simply feared eating, eating anything, for fear of gaining weight. I was getting many compliments about my weight loss that surely it was a good thing?   The New Year resolution was met but at what expense? Nearly my life…

For some reason we are led to believe that achieving weight loss is a good thing we should all strive for. But really you should make it about you and just you, not what society thinks you should do.

I don’t make New Years resolutions any more but to-do lists of things I will achieve even if it is just to finally try that new restaurant. Yes, recovery is a goal of mine, but it didn’t start just because a new year started it started because I don’t want to live controlled by the voice telling me I cant eat this or that. Telling me to “get over it” and just eat more doesn’t solve the eating disorder that plays on your mind. Weight is not a reflection of the person within.

I don’t disapprove of New Year resolutions I just believe that we should continually set ourselves “to-do” lists that make us Happier. Be that to go to the theatre more, to finally go to that new restaurant with your friends, to see your family. Just remember to do what make you happy.

Lela X

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I want some light at the end of the tunnel….

I have been M.I.A. Working long day and also missing in my head. Finding it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Actually I don’t think it is a tunnel. I think it is a pit I am walking into …

I know we all have those days where light seems to be dark and there is no glimmer in the far distance .  But today for me was a bad day.

I severely burnt my hand( it still hurts now), I made abosuletly terrible coffees, I started doing things then forgot, I had the worlds shortest memory and even shorter attention span which made it impossible to work.

All I could think was ” when does this end?” When can I escape my head?

I was tempted to cut myself, I was tempted to just end it. So I ran…

like one of my favourite films …. Run Forest RUN!And so I ran.  40 mins flew by and I only stopped as the machine did. Running gives me time to think. It gives me a push.no matter how hard I run I can push myself. I can run

 

The light is there but , honestly, it is just a glimmer at the moment. A glimmmer but I’m holding on to that glimmer as there is nothing else to hold to.

So if in doubt do as they do in the movies as they always have a happy ending ….

 

Lela X

Sometimes girl need sugar…

Today I have craved sugar… I could eat sugar all day. Actually I could eat anything. Just hungry. Hungry like a ravenous wolf.

Funnily enough this didn’t mess with my head. I can starve or I can have pancakes with maple syrup and fruit. I can starve or have a flapjack.

The problem working with food is that it is always at hand.But sometimes a girl just need sugar.

Being ill has taught me. I can lose weight. I can lose it easily. I can stop eating and lose weight. So if I ever feel like I am unhealthy I can change. But I can also have a day where I just want a little sugar.

Have thise pancakes…. one day won’t hurt.

Lela x

Courage…

What is courage? Is it fighting off attackers? Stepping in when you see someone being harrassed ? Is it Holding a spider despite being terrified? Climbing up high on a ladder despite being terrified to rescue your neighbours pet cat?

Is it simply speaking to strangers? Is it giving a speech in front of an audience about your experience of anorexia ? Giving them personal details about your journey?

 

For those sufferring it can take courage to eat an apple, a piece of toast, or even just to drink some juice. Courage to admit your ill. Admit that you need help as it will take away the safety your rules create. Courage to ask for help, admit yourself to hospital, be subjected to having your life, your head questioned.

Catherine Pawley is one of the many strong and beautiful girls who I met in my recovery. She has had the courage to throw away the rule book, to open her story to strangers.

I cried when I listened to this as some parts rang true of my story. The pain it causes not only your body, your mind , your life but impact on friends, and family.

 

I find the courage some of my family had to stay by me, to the friends who stuck by me when I was killing myself. I don’t blame the ones who left as it is a horrible illness.

 

Have a listen… share to others.

Lela x

Good girl gone Hangry….

Hangry: hungry and angry . Anger and intolerable attitude is caused primary due to the lack of food. When found in a women this condition can be severe and will not increase if no food is given. Do not approach a sufferer with minor requests or complaints. Approach with caution and preferably with their favourite food/ any decent food.

Whilst some might think being Hangry is ridiculous I beg to differ. Today I was Hangry as anything. To say I could eat a whole cow I would not be exaggerating. Even with an eating disorder I would have eaten anything. And I did warn colleagues I was Hangry( apologies to the colleagues I snapped back at… I was not in my right state of mind and I love you really .) I would have snapped at anyone.

This made me think. Food is such an important part of us. Not just to have the energy to stay alive and function but to be present and have a personality (and a nice one of that).

I have no reserves to fuel my body or my mind. I remember the years my eating disorder made me Hangry constantly.

I wasn’t a nice person, I wasn’t all there. I could barely hold a conversation. I could barely function. I couldn’t do the nice meals out, coffee and chat dates, or even basic things with friends. Hangry and alone.

Anorexia took my personality away. It took my ability to hold a decent conversation,for a while,as I was Hangry and lacked the ability to think. I couldn’t and wouldn’t eat so even approaching me with food wouldn’t have helped. Just know that I( anyone you know) didn’t  mean to snap back. They don’t mean to be Hangry just support them and don’t take it to heart.

Hangry is a real condition in my eyes or atleast a symptom at times.

So when you see a Hangry girl approach with caution. If it’s me with sushi, proper gelato, tiramisu or marshmallows and you’re safe.

Hangry girl is now fed.

Lela x

Nothing’s ever black and white…

Apart from Oreos. Something so simple as an Oreo.

Two chocolate biscuits with vanilla cream centre. The Oreo.

Yet here I went to disect the Oreo and make it into a cupcake. Mixing life up a bit. What can I say;it works!

There’s no other way to explain this. Just take a bite to understand.

I wish life was sometimes this simple. Mix two things that’s are good and get a great at the end. Things to be black and white. Easy. Simple. But they are not. Head down and plough on, I’ll start again tomorrow, it’s fine youll survive. They all go on in my head. I just want it to be simple at times. Have control. Be right!

Lela x

I’m tired…just want to be normal

You’d think two big slabs of chocolate brownie would give me the energy to keep going. The reason I baked these was for the guys at work… I’m a feeder and I love to bake – friend who always brings cake. Even if I do bake the cake at midnight After a long shift.

Yep it did make me tired. As does running around at work all day non stop. But despite rude customers, having food down me, and burning myself several times I like work. Not the most glamorous and I reek of a concoction of food and coffee but I like it. I like the people and the colleagues .

The tiredness that really gets me is that I am tired of people thinking I can’t be normal. “I have to get better first” ” you need to be in hospital” …. well I tried that. Yes it did save me when I weighed a paltry 38kg but it’s not for now.

I’m tired of everyone thinking that “going to hospital” will be the miracle cure. I will sit , eat the food they give me and still get nowhere. I will just be bored, jobless and nowhere.

I’m tired of everyone trying to interfere. I’m tired of you thinking you “know what’s best for me” when you think me binging til the brink of being ill is ok as it shows I’m eating. I’m tired of it all… I want to be “normal” , I’m tired of you trying to take that “normal” away from me.

I want to be a normal girl who bakes gooey brownie to feed colleagues. The girl who will proudly bust some terrible dance moves …just because. Question me when I am tired and hangry then yes I will snap. But I’m tired of you trying to link this to my eating disorder. I’m just a tired hangry girl.

I’m tired of everyone thinking that mental health problems are things to be tip toed around. People get mental health problems. Talk to them about it rather than let it be the big elephant in the room. I don’t need you to pet my head, I don’t need you to hold my hand, I don’t need you to walk around like I’m on death row.

Just treat me normal as I’m tired of being anything but.

Lela x

p.s brownie is a normal good to get that chocolate hit , rich, gooey brownie.

Loving life …

Today I don’t feel anorexic, today I don’t feel depressed, today I over came the urge to binge, today I felt great!

No not cured but today I loved life. Iloved going into work after having worked 30 hours over Friday – Sunday(with tooooo little sleep at the weekend).I didn’t care that’ll was just a standard day at work . Today I baked some

chocolate and salted caramel cupcakes :

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And vanilla candy love heart cupcakes

 

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The valentine theme is clear. Baked for charity… worth every penny and all the work I put into them. I hope they go and that people can enjoy a love filled day and love life as much as I have today. Love for friends, family, pets, or their valentine.

 

Lela x

 

 

 

Working 9 to 5…. and then some more.

I wish working on my binging, depression, smile, anxiety, eating my frigging head was just 9 to 5.

 

9to 5 with a lunch break maybe? 9 to 5 and then 5to 9. More like 24/7 for 52 weeks. No pause, no break, no full stop, no end it seems after 6 years. Nothing, nothing,nothing….. as Dolly sand “barely getting by”that’s how it feels. Baking is a way I can escape. Although baking raspberry ripple cupcakes with raspberry buttercream topped with my brothers face. And a chocolate cake with Choctaw ganache from 1 pm to 10 pm seems crazy. It was worth it. It got me that break.

The thing with any mental health illness is that it isn’t a 9to 5 job. In fact spending a AFD shift in the lounge bar I work in is easy. Baking cakes with little time whilst trying to fit anything else in is so frigging easy, climbing Mount Everest and carrying the Sherpa seems easier at times.

Why does it always feel little less you’re climbing up the mountain rather than being  on the way down?

I would happily do more than a 9 to 5 job than have to deal with my head 24/7. Anything to forget, any bake to forget but for now I hope that the cupcakes and the chocolate cake will distract you from the pain my head sometimes is, Bon Appetite and Sto Lat!

Lela x

Family cheesecake

Last night I baked a cheesecake for my brothers birthday meal tomorrow. It was my mums favourite recipe and a baked cheesecake with a biscuit base and chocolate swirls. Funnily enough the only cheesecake I like is my grans which is amaaaazing.

By this got me thinking. Why was I baking at 10pm for my brother? Because it is something I can do well and give to him and the family.

Truth be told I still feel bad about what I have put my family though. I feel bad about what I still put my family through.

I wish I could remove my eating disorder from family life. But unfortunately I cannot remove my head from family events. But they have stood by me through a hell of a lot.

2011 my parents rushed to see me in the acute respiratory ward where I was having my obs done every 30 mins as my pneumonia had hit me hard due to the impact of my eating disorder, they were there when I admitted myself as a day patient, mum was there when I hopped around( refused to stay still at that time) in a&e with severe odema and anorexia for 9 hours without anyone seeing me, brother visited me weekly in hospital and resisted the temptation to get dominoes to deliver 3 giant pizzas to an eating disorder ward(don’t know if you remember this conversation but I have). My list goes on and on….

My uncle and aunt helped me eat my first meal outside of the hospital( yes I took my measley sandwiches yoghurt and cereal bar to theirs), these things may seem trivial to some but they help.

I have no idea what I would have done if I was On my own… actually I would probably be dead as my mother shouting match with me in the street with her literally telling me an eating disorder frigging well helped! My the most tactful way but it helped. Any mental health disorders are hard work for any individual and having that person to talk to or literally just be there helps( well it helped me). “I can’t do that yet” may not be stubbornness just I couldn’t even imagine going out for dinner with my sister if my aunt and uncles hadn’t helped me with eating my sandwiches.

Those small steps might seem petty to some but look at it this way… it’s a step towards “recovered”.

So I’ll bake a cheesecake or your favourite cake late at night if it means you get just something tasty to eat. Because I think in all of this I just want to say thank you.

Lela x

P.S brother you’re getting oooooooold.

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